London

No, not the city, although I can't wait to visit and see a crack fox or two in Shoreditch or Camden, but the song by the Smiths. I hope I don't get in trouble, but here are the lyrics:

Smoke
Lingers 'round your fingers
Train
Heave on to Euston
Do you think you've made
The right decision this time ?
Oh ...

You left
Your tired family grieving
And you think they're sad because you're leaving
But did you see Jealousy in the eyes
Of the ones who had to stay behind ?
And do you think you've made
The right decision this time ?

You leftYour girlfriend on the platform
With this really ragged notion that you'll return
But she knows
That when he goes
He really goes
And do you think you've made
The right decision this time ?

Thank you again Morrissey, for writing my life twenty-three years before I live it. I was actually reading this amazing Smiths resource called The Smiths: Songs That Saved Your Life, by Simon Goddard, which has information about all of the songs the Smiths ever recorded and their story. I've always liked London and for some reason I kept getting it mixed up with Half A Person (beautiful song, by the way).

It's little surprise then to learn that I may have been getting them mixed up for a reason. They share similar thematic concerns (moving south and feeling alienated) and they were both B-Sides to the Shoplifters of the World single.

I was reading up on Half A Person beause it was all I could think of when I was given the task of making a personal film. It evolved from a romance between two Smiths fans, to a person seeing someone wearing a Smiths badge and stalking them across Manchester, to be lead to the Salford Lads Club. I wanted this to be a music video, set to 'Exit' by Fictions (dependent upon permission, of course. Ahem.). Unfortunately, it seems music videos are a no-no. What's with the music video snobbery? They can be really demanding! You have to edit to a very precise rhythm, and you have to tell a story primarily through images. Even harder, you have to make a spectator see the music. Very hard task. I didn't want there to be any dialogue, or if there were, to have voice-over from Smiths lyrics, but of course that would be a copyright nightmare.

But I digress. I have a blog for my film gripes, after all (Cinephile Paradiso: http://cinephileparadiso.blogspot.com/ ). But I was reading about London and I realised that it's a little bit of how I feel here. The song has parallels with Billy Liar and is also inspired by Elizabeth Smart's By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept. Essentially it's about a person moving south but having regrets at the last minute.

I'm sorry to say that I'm feeling like this right now. Not all the time, and I know that this feeling will pass, because I'm making some lovely friends, both in my class and also my flatmates here on-campus. But this morning I was feeling terrible. And people at home were saying, 'oh, I'm so jealous you're going away,' and things like that, but right now I'm jealous of everyone at home.

I'm jealous of everyone who can hug a loved one. I'm jealous of everyone who can call their friends whenever they like. I'm jealous of everyone who can go home, make a cup of tea and watch the telly. I'm jealous of all my friends who can go out together. Yep, you all suck balls right now.

Because I miss the familiar. I miss my easy life (not that easy, but it seems glorious when I'm away from it) and I miss my home. I miss my cat, Margot, and I miss my sister. I miss home so much I missed my dad's birthday. My response was to cry all morning in my room and moan to my one friend who was awake on MSN and text my sister telling her how much I hate it here and how I can't wait for January.

I feel better now after meeting some friends and sharing times with my flatmates, but if I'm really honest with myself, I battle the urge to change my flight and go home right now. I think it's a natural thing. And I have to keep reminding myself that classes haven't started yet and I haven't even been here two weeks. This too shall pass, so the quote goes. Well, right now I wish the student exchange should hurry up and pass quickly.

I wasn't going to use this blog to pour my heart and soul out, but it's quite easy to do once you get started. I guess this is why radio seems such a safe place to spill your guts - it's the unseen audience. Everybody could be listening, or no one could be listening, and not knowing is liberating. Not knowing whether anybody reads this thing is refreshing, because I can just go a little crazy and get over it. Hey, if a prostitute can blog about her occupation, I can blog about my feelings.

There are definite positives. I'm in another country, I'm making new friends both from the UK and other places, and I'm in the home of the Smiths, Joy Division and..er, the Ting Tings. And TopShop is but a walk away. I'll get there, I know I will. Right now it's just hard to tell.

But I have Morrissey. Literally. Well, in November anyway.